Coping with Unsupportive Family Members After a Death
One of the worst situations that can happen to a person is a fight at a funeral. Family members who are bereaved after the death of a loved one become as vulnerable as possible. Even if it’s the death of a palliative patient whose family and friends are “prepared” in advance, grief is just as devastating as it is after a sudden loss.
It’s not only devastating but also sharpening all feelings, including negative ones. This leads, among other things, to an exacerbation of existing conflicts in the family, and often the emergence of new ones. The fact that each person experiences grief differently can often become a cause of conflict.
Causes of Conflict after the Death of a Loved One
Alas, grief from the loss of a loved one often not only brings all family members together around shared values but may also lead to conflicts. It’s at this point that you learn the unpleasant news that many people are not what you thought they were.
In either case, you will need to give yourself and the other members of your family time to process, understand, and reflect on your loss. This is a time when the love, care, and support of the closest ones will be especially important to you.
The stress and pain of loss often become a factor that increases the likelihood of conflict. This is partially due to the fact that the lack of vital energy leads to exacerbating all other problems.
Material Issues
It’s heartbreaking how the loss of a loved one can often lead to conflicts in the family, particularly when it comes to finances. While we hope that material issues can be resolved peacefully and harmoniously, this is not always the case, especially in situations where the death was sudden. Another common cause of conflict arises from disputes over property and finances that existed while the deceased family member was still alive.
In situations where there was no will left by the deceased, the problem becomes more complicated. It’s even worse when toxic family members use the death of their loved one as an opportunity to take advantage and claim what they think is rightfully theirs, leaving others feeling hurt and betrayed. It’s important to handle these situations with care and sensitivity to ensure that everyone’s needs and rights are respected.
Financial Disputes
Financial disputes after the death of a loved one are not necessarily conflicts over inheritance. Unfortunately, in such a situation, it’s not uncommon for disputes to arise over who will bear the financial burden of funeral expenses and legal services.
Such disagreements can become even more complicated if only one person is left to handle all the responsibilities. It’s understandable that this can feel unfair and lead to resentment, potentially causing further conflicts during an already difficult time.
Property Disputes
Losing a loved one is already painful, and it’s heartbreaking when the question of who gets what from the deceased’s estate creates conflict. Even simple things like household items or personal mementos can become a source of dispute among family members, especially when not specified in the will.
Take, for instance, the country music vinyl record collection that a father left behind. The brother and sister both cherish it deeply but can’t seem to agree on who should own it. The disagreement leads to frustration and tension, causing a rift between them that lingers even after the funeral.
Inheritance Sharing
It’s truly horrifying how the death of a loved one can bring out the worst in families, causing conflicts and disputes over inheritance.
Heated arguments can be ignited among relatives due to the following reasons:
- Money, bank accounts, securities, and other assets that belonged to the deceased;
- The fate of the family home, car, etc. One family member may believe they have the right to inherit such material possessions, but others may have different plans, which can lead to resentment and discord.
Even if the will clearly outlines the distribution of property, some family members may still feel that they have been treated unfairly.
When And How To Sort The Deceased’s Belongings
Sorting through the personal belongings of a loved one after their passing can be a source of great conflict among family members. Each item presents a difficult choice:
- Should it be donated to a church or charity?
- Should it be kept as a precious memento of the departed loved one?
- Or should it be discarded if it has no significant value to anyone?
Even after deciding what to do with each item, disagreements can still arise over when it’s appropriate to take action. And the sentimental value of some items can make it hard for family members to agree on who should inherit them.
Legal Matters and Funeral Planning
Legal matters and funeral planning can become a daunting task for any family to handle after the death of a loved one. Unfortunately, if the deceased did not take the time to plan out their financial and estate affairs, it becomes the family’s responsibility to figure out.
Thus, reasons for another conflict may include:
- The necessity of determining who’s in charge of the bank accounts, stocks, and other securities left behind;
- Deciding on a funeral date/location, and planning the ceremony;
- Deciding on who will bear the burden of the funeral expenses and inheritance of close relatives.
All of these can lead to arguments and resentment among family members.
Additionally, finding a will (if there is one), determining custody of the deceased’s minor children, and even deciding who gets to keep their beloved pets can all create conflict. If there isn’t a unified and agreed-upon position on these issues, it can lead to a family quarrel.
Experiencing Grief in Different Ways
Conflicts that arise after the death of a loved one are not always about material things, but can also be about the psychological aspects of grief. One of the causes of these conflicts is that people have their own unique ways of recognizing, experiencing, and accepting the loss.
Here are some reasons why this happens:
- One family member may feel that the others are betraying the memory of the deceased by quickly returning to their everyday lives, while they themselves are still deeply grieving and in pain;
- On the other hand, another family member may believe that those who need more time to process the loss are simply pretending in order to shift responsibilities onto others;
- Different ways of experiencing grief can cause misunderstandings and conflicts between family members.
Grief is a complex and individual experience, with each person going through their own set of emotions. For example, one person may feel the need to resume their daily routine as soon as possible to help them cope with the pain, but this doesn’t mean they loved the deceased any less than another family member who is still struggling to deal with the overwhelming feelings of sadness and devastation.
Loss of a Cherished Family Member
The loss of a cherished family member can leave an irreparable void in the family dynamic, resulting in dysfunction and conflict. If the deceased person served as the mediator for the family’s communication, then the absence of this peacemaker can lead to constant disagreements and disputes.
The family will need to find a new person to take on this crucial role.
Conflicts When Taking Care of a Terminally Ill Family Member
Conflicts can also arise when taking care of a terminally ill family member, especially if there were disagreements about end-of-life decisions. Such disputes may have arisen while the relative was still alive and in a coma, making it difficult for the family members to agree on whether or not to remove life support.
The emotional weight of such decisions can leave a lasting impact on family members, causing rifts and tension that may linger long after the loss.
In such heartbreaking situations, the decision to end the life of a loved one can cause a rift in the family, leading to deep-seated conflicts. Those who opposed the decision may feel angry and betrayed, holding others responsible for not trying harder to save their beloved. This emotional turmoil can further intensify the conflict, making it harder to find common ground.
Unfortunately, the pain of loss can cloud one’s judgment, leading to irrational behavior and impulsive reactions. The grieving family members may not be ready to talk about their differences, which can cause a breakdown in communication.
In such challenging times, a toxic family member can also exacerbate the situation by manipulating others and playing the blame game. They may try to exploit the family’s grief to their advantage and stir up guilt in those who had to make such a difficult decision. It’s important to recognize such behaviors and not allow them to further damage the already fragile relationships.
Healing begins with listening to each other and trying to empathize with everyone’s perspective.
Who Suffers the Most in Such a Conflict
The pain of losing a loved one is immense, and it’s especially difficult for young children and pets who had a close bond with the deceased family member. Their innocent minds can’t comprehend the complexities of adult conflicts, and they become collateral damage in the battle.
As if the emotional turmoil wasn’t enough, there are also other reasons as follows:
- Such a situation only increases feelings of fear, uncertainty, and anxiety;
- Since adult family members are busy not only with the inevitable affairs after the death of a relative but also with the conflict, they often do not have the energy to fully care for children and pets and provide them with the necessary emotional support.
The consequences of this neglect can be long-lasting and traumatic. Children and pets may struggle with their emotional and psychological wellbeing and may need professional help to heal their mental wounds.
Children
The loss of a parent is an incredibly difficult experience for children who are under the age of 18. They are faced not only with the emotional pain of losing a loved one but also with significant changes to their lives that can be overwhelming. For example:
- They may have to move in with a second parent or temporary guardians, which can be a huge adjustment for them;
- Their daily routine is disrupted, especially if they have to move to a new city or state.
Unlike adults, children are dependent on others, particularly financially. They often don’t have a say in important decisions, leaving them feeling powerless and vulnerable. That’s why it’s essential for them to receive emotional and psychological support from adults.
The method of emotional and other support depends directly on the child’s age:
- Younger children under the age of 9 are often unable to understand or cope with the emotions that come with grief. They may experience physical pain and disturbances in their sleep. It’s crucial for adults to provide them with the necessary support and create an environment where they can express their feelings;
- Older children, on the other hand, have a more mature understanding of death and may take on additional responsibilities in the family. However, they still need emotional support and privacy to deal with their emotions.
When conflicts arise within the family after the death of a loved one, adults must be mindful of how it affects the children. Young children should not be exposed to the disagreements and toxic behavior of adults, as it can cause additional trauma. It’s important to protect them and limit the access of toxic family members to the children.
Remember, children of any age will experience additional psychological trauma in such situations. Thus, it’s our responsibility as adults to provide them with love, care, and support during this difficult time.
Pets
Pets, just like children, experience a great deal of pain and distress following the death of their owner. Unfortunately, they’re often overlooked in the aftermath of such a tragedy:
- It’s not uncommon for multiple family members to assert ownership over the pet, causing the animal additional confusion and stress;
- Even worse, the pet may be deemed unwanted by the surviving family members and sent to a shelter, where it may face a bleak future.
This is especially difficult for older pets, who may struggle to adapt to a new environment or find a new family. It’s important to remember that pets are living creatures who need love and care, and they too require support during this trying time.
How to Deal with the Consequences of Such a Conflict
Dealing with the aftermath of a conflict after the death of a loved one is an arduous task that requires a great deal of patience and time from the surviving family members. It’s not easy to restore constructive dialogue once conflict has arisen.
In such a case, it’s often helpful to seek the assistance of a mediator. Family psychotherapy may be a suitable option in some cases, as a specialist can guide you through potential solutions to overcome the situation.
Remember that healing takes time, and it’s essential to take the necessary steps to rebuild trust and communication within the family.
Recognize and Accept
Accepting the changes that come with the loss of a loved one can be a daunting task. It’s essential to remember that grief affects each person differently, and everyone needs their own space to mourn. For instance, the loss of a mother can hit adult children in diverse ways. Sons may have had a more intimate relationship with their mothers, and therefore, they may need more time to heal.
During this time, one may experience strong emotions (which is entirely normal), such as:
- Anger, sadness, and even guilt;
- Emotional numbness, as if you’ve lost a part of yourself;
- A sense of loss of home, as the people we love are an integral part of our lives.
Family dynamics may also shift after a loved one’s death, which may require some family members to distance themselves temporarily or permanently. It’s okay to take a break from family events if they trigger overwhelming feelings of sadness or devastation.
However, in some cases, grief can bring families closer, and it’s vital to support each other through these difficult times. The road to healing may not be easy, but with patience and understanding, we can learn to live with our loss. In some cases, it may be necessary to seek the help of a professional to navigate through the aftermath of a loss.
Respect Other People’s Personal Space
It’s essential to understand that everyone experiences grief in their own way, and it’s important to give them the space they need to deal with their emotions.
Respect each family member’s right to be alone and don’t force them to show their grief in a way that suits you. It’s not about you but about them and their process of coping with the loss. Let them know that you are there for them and support them in any way they need.
Create a Common Line of Communication
In the midst of grief and loss, it’s important to keep lines of communication open with loved ones. Lack of communication and misunderstandings can often lead to conflicts, which only add to the pain and suffering.
To improve communication, you can:
- Create a common platform such as a group chat or social media group where everyone can share their thoughts and feelings. This can be especially helpful when physical distance separates family members;
- Have joint discussions when conflicts arise. These discussions require open and honest communication, active listening, and a willingness to find common ground.
However, it’s important to remember that some family members may need privacy and time to cope with their grief before they’re ready to participate in discussions.
Joint Plans for the Future
Coming to terms with the death of a loved one is never easy, and it can leave you feeling helpless and powerless. But there are things you can do to regain a sense of control and bring your family back together.
One of the most effective ways to do this is by making joint plans for the future. This can help you focus on something positive and give you a sense of purpose. It may take time to accept the need for change, but it’s important to remember that being “stuck” in grief is not productive.
Regain a Sense of Control
One of the consequences of the death of a loved one is a temporary loss of a sense of control over your life.
To regain control, you can:
- Have a family meeting to develop a plan of joint action;
- Assign tasks to each family member can help everyone feel useful and prevent conflicts from arising.
It’s a gradual process, but it’s a step towards restoring the family dynamic.
Be Willing to Compromise
Respecting the feelings and needs of others is crucial for maintaining family harmony. It’s never easy to navigate conflicts, but there are ways to make it easier for everyone involved. These are some rules to follow:
- Put the interests of the family first. This means being mindful of the needs of minors and pets;
- Listen to everyone’s point of view. When everyone feels heard, it’s easier to find a compromise solution.
Remember, one person’s view shouldn’t be forced onto the rest of the family. If a disagreement is too serious, don’t be afraid to seek help from a mediator. A family counselor, lawyer, or clergyman can provide emotional support and help find the best solution for everyone involved.
Bottom Line
We can all agree that the death of a loved one is a tragedy that shakes the foundation of the family. In the midst of the overwhelming grief and rollercoaster of emotions, it’s easy to let conflicts spiral out of control.
But amidst the turmoil, we must remember to embrace change, honor the privacy of our loved ones, and give ourselves space and time to heal from the heartache. It won’t be easy, but we owe it to ourselves and our loved ones to find the strength to move forward, one step at a time.