Dysfunctional Family Characteristics
A dysfunctional family is a pattern of behavior that is based on constant conflict, rigid rules, and devaluing or ignoring children’s feelings. In such an environment, children have serious problems with personality formation, which leads to serious problems in adulthood. There are no opportunities for personal growth and no sense of emotional security.
These are not necessarily asocial families where parents don’t pay attention to their children. Lack of full communication and trust, perfectionism, and emotional dependence are the reasons, which lead to mental or physical abuse, lack of personal boundaries, and emotional closeness between the child and parents.
What Is a Dysfunctional Family?
The main problem associated with dysfunctional families is the development of destructive behavioral patterns in parents, which then become inherent in their children’s own families. Accordingly, the following negative phenomena in the family are transmitted from generation to generation:
- Physical and psychological violence;
- Sexual harassment;
- Gaslighting and other types of emotional violence;
- Lack of emotional closeness, personal boundaries, and trust;
- Asocial behavior;
- Alcohol or drug addiction.
Children in such families often grow up to be lonely, withdrawn, and unsure of themselves. They have problems with self-discipline, easily succumb to the negative influence of other people, and try to be “convenient” to others around them just to be praised or approved for their actions.
Causes of Dysfunctional Family Relationships
There are several factors that cause destructive relationships in the family:
- Financial distress. If all adult family members are actually busy surviving, they are constantly stressed, which can lead to psychological problems or mental illness, as well as alcohol addiction. The result is constant quarrels, emotional “coldness,” lack of trust, and manipulative behavior;
- Physical and emotional abuse. Such traumatic experiences lead to the fact that parents and other senior family members create an atmosphere of chronic fear for children and develop patterns of destructive behavior, which are then inherited;
- Conservative religious environment. In such families, the authority of older family members is unquestionable, there is total control over children, often physical and emotional violence, and there’s no respect for personal boundaries. In this model of family relations, there is no space for discussion, understanding, or exchange of opinions;
- Authoritarian parents. In such a family, parents will often impose excessive demands on their children, disrespecting their personalities, feelings, or needs.
All these models of behavior turn out to be so persistent that it becomes difficult for grown-up children to give them up. Such a “vicious circle” then transforms into a real challenge that is almost impossible to overcome without the help of a psychotherapist.
Signs of a Dysfunctional Family
Here are a few basic patterns of behavior that are common to most dysfunctional families:
- “Don’t talk.” This is not only about a lack of meaningful communication in the family but also insincerity, an inability to talk about problems in the family for the sake of maintaining ostensible “well-being”;
- “Don’t trust.” In families where parents and other older family members behave unpredictably, children become introverted because they don’t feel safe. They perceive the world around them as unsafe and are afraid of emotional contact with others;
- “Don’t feel“. Adult family members ignore their kids’ feelings, including neglecting or devaluing their emotions. Consequently, any display of feelings leads to aggression or shame. This results in children becoming accustomed to suppressing their feelings and using “escapism”.
Escapism is the act of attempting to avoid unpleasant or uncomfortable realities through engaging in activities that allow people to detach from them, often involving imagination and fantasy as a way of distraction. It can be used to immediately numb or escape from emotional distress but will eventually hinder people from confronting and resolving their issues.
Children who grow up in such families tend to experience constant guilt and are unable to express their emotions. Due to this, in the future, they don’t know how to create a functional model of behavior for their own family.
Lack of Communication or Formality
In a dysfunctional family, there’s no sincere communication, discussions, or a free exchange of opinions. The dominant behaviors are yelling, aggression, and devaluation of feelings. Instead of a sincere discussion of problems and finding solutions, there is constantly ignoring and “brushing it under the carpet”.
Lack of Emotional Intimacy
Due to the lack of trust in dysfunctional families, children are unable to share their feelings. The child starts to feel lonely and unwanted since he or she cannot rely on emotional support from adults and their assistance in complex situations.
As a result, feelings of insecurity and emotional alienation arise; the children are compelled to independently seek solutions to their problems since they are simply afraid to ask their parents for help.
Lack of Empathy
Lack of empathy can be both a destructive behavior pattern and a symptom of certain mental illnesses, such as antisocial personality disorder. If parents are completely preoccupied with their own problems or have serious health problems, they may not have the energy to show empathy towards their children.
In this case, there’s a constant sense of guilt and fear of failure because of “not having the right” to make a mistake. Exaggerated demands and a lack of unconditional support from parents lead to children perceiving the world around them as hostile.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a type of psychological abuse in which parents make their children doubt themselves and devalue their feelings. Frequent manifestations of gaslighting are unwarranted criticism and ridicule, including in public.
The main task of gaslighting parents is to suppress the will of their children and impose feelings of guilt and shame on them.
Tendency Toward Alcohol or Drug Addiction
If parents don’t know how to manage their own emotions or have problems with self-esteem, they may use alcohol or drugs, which often leads to antisocial behavior.
In such families, children get an undesirable pattern of behavior or are often left to themselves.
Excessive Control of Behavior
Authoritarian parents use excessive control over their children’s lives. In this case, independence is not encouraged, and the personal boundaries of the children are constantly violated, which leads to chronic stress and depression in the future.
If a child has no right to privacy and inviolability of personal boundaries, becoming a self-sufficient person may become a real challenge in the future.
Lack of Privacy and Independence
The most common means of total parental control is a lack of privacy. Its most common manifestations are looking through their kids’ smartphones, tablets, or possessions (e.g., a personal diary).
Excessive parental control and “care” will often lead to the fact that in adolescence, children experience insecurity and lack of trust in their parents, which sometimes leads to depression and even suicidal tendencies.
Excessive and Nonconstructive Criticism
In dysfunctional families, there is a lack of respect for children’s feelings and needs. In addition to gaslighting and other types of emotional abuse, unconstructive criticism often takes place, the purpose of which is to suppress the children’s confidence in their abilities.
Often parents with low self-esteem will criticize their child for any and all mistakes, lack of certain skills, etc., at the same time, ignoring other creative abilities and successes inherent in their kids.
Perfectionism
Authoritarian parents may also demand flawless behavior from children; in such a family there’s no right to error or failure. Punishment for lower grades at school, rather than for lack of knowledge, is common. Such children often grow up to be perfectionists themselves, with low self-esteem and insecurity.
Abuse and Cruelty
Manifestations of abuse can be not only physical but also psychological violence against children. This means that they are constantly traumatized and have no sense of security or support in their families.
Also, youngsters from such families often witness physical, sexual, verbal, and other types of violence. Sometimes they adopt this pattern of behavior and then display it as adults.
Physical and Emotional Violence
The most common manifestations of child abuse are physical and emotional violence.
Physical violence is defined as the infliction of injuries, beatings, and bodily harm of varying degrees of severity on a child. They are not only harmful to health but often lead to a delay in physical development.
The goal of emotional abuse is to humiliate and devalue the weaker family member, in this case, the child, by ignoring the child’s feelings and needs.
Sense of Shame
In unstable families, feelings of guilt and shame are often imposed on adolescents to make them feel unworthy or wrong, and generate low self-esteem. For example, parents instill the feeling of worthlessness in their kids, which often results in a guilt complex for what’s going on in the family.
Consequences of a Dysfunctional Family for Children
Low self-esteem and a lack of social skills are not all consequences of living in a dysfunctional family. All of its members acquire traumatic impressions from their early childhood years. Adverse experiences can be caused by one of 2 negative patterns of behavior in such a family:
- Authoritarian. Children receive excessive control and exaggerated demands, as well as compulsive care from their parents. The child does not have enough personal space and the opportunity to grow as a self-sufficient person;
- Chaotic. Parents ignore children’s basic needs, such as physical safety, food preferences, adequate sleep, and others. Children are constantly left to themselves, there are no daily routines or rules to follow.
In the first case, a suppression of the personality takes place. As a result, in adulthood, it becomes challenging for such a person to make independent decisions and take responsibility for his or her own life.
In the second case, there’s a constant feeling of uncertainty. Children are forced to assume the responsibilities of their parents too early. For example, they partially or completely take care of their younger brothers or sisters.
Low Self-Esteem
One of the main consequences of dysfunctional families is low self-esteem. As an adult, this leads to a fear of making a mistake and an inability to take even the mildest criticism well. There’s also the fear of disappointment that results in the person avoiding communication with new people or participating in interesting projects/events.
Often low self-esteem is combined with perfectionism, “the excellent student syndrome.” In this case, the person is confident that he or she is not doing enough and feels like a failure.
Inability to Build Healthy Relationships
An adult who grew up in a dysfunctional family often has serious psychological problems. The result is often a co-dependent relationship, a lack of unconditional love, empathy, and emotional intimacy. There’s also dependence on other people and constant fear of being abandoned.
Social Isolation
Low self-esteem and lack of social skills lead to avoiding social contact and interaction with other children, as well as seeking solitude as much as possible.
It’s also a pessimistic view of life, as the child perceives the world as unsafe.
Self-Destructive Behavior
In addition to a tendency to depression, there are other psychological problems like feelings of hopelessness and self-destructive behavior, including physically harming oneself.
It’s not only alcohol or drug addiction propensity to gambling, Signs of self-destructive behavior may include deliberate social isolation or lack of concern for one’s health. This can also be deliberate harm to one’s health, e.g., hair pulling or cutting the skin.
Learning Problems
Children from dysfunctional families often have problems at school or college. The reasons for such a problem are low self-esteem and lack of self-discipline.
There are also various violations of the normal pace of psychological development, such as its individual elements (e.g., memory, attention, abstract thinking, etc.).
Lack of Self-Discipline
If there are no clear rules in the family, or they are too rigid, this often leads to a lack of self-discipline in the future. The child lacks the ability to take responsibility for his or her actions, as well as assess possible risks and make informed decisions.
Also, reasons for the lack of self-discipline are the inability to set goals and achieve desired results and cope with various life challenges.
“Recovery” from a Dysfunctional Family
A teenager or an adult who grew up in a dysfunctional family must first acknowledge the existing problem(s). Only the realization of one’s destructive habits or patterns of behavior can lead to psychological “recovery” in the future.
The second step should be acquiring the necessary skills and knowledge and getting rid of bad habits. In most cases, work with a psychotherapist will also be needed.
This will require:
- Taking responsibility for your own life;
- Analyzing your own feelings;
- Seeking professional help;
- Learning to trust other people.
Without such measures, building healthy relationships in the future can become problematic. In some cases, professional (not just psychological) help will also be required.
Conclusions
A child who has grown up in a dysfunctional family has low self-esteem and lacks communication skills. There’s also a tendency towards emotional dependence, lack of independence, and the increased risk of alcohol/ drug addiction and potential mental disorders.
Another threat is that such destructive patterns of behavior in the family are passed on by parents to their children. In turn, grown-up children apply them in their own families. Breaking this “vicious circle” and transitioning to a healthy relationship is the key.