Feeling Like an Outsider in Your Own Family
Do you feel different and out of place with your nearest and dearest? Does it seem to you that you are like a stranger to your own parents? Do you think you don’t fit in your family circle? If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, the first thing you should know is that you are not alone in this.
Many people don’t feel close to their families. They might feel disconnected, excluded, or out of the “group” or even feel like a family scapegoat. Some of them bring that from childhood while others realize it when becoming an adult.
Why does it happen? What to do with this? How to stop feeling like a black sheep in the family? Let’s try to find out together.
What Does It Mean to Be a Family Outsider?
Being an outcast means feeling disconnected, excluded, or different from other family members. This might happen due to the person’s behavior, choices, beliefs, and goals that don’t match the norms and expectations of a family.
Being an outsider is a challenging experience since you might think that none of your family members understands you, which leads to feeling loneliness, isolation, and low self-esteem. People also find it difficult to communicate with their relatives or establish close relations with them.
Individuals can also feel pressure when forced to change to fit in. However, it’s essential to remember that all people are made differently. You don’t have to match anyone’s expectations to feel happy and confident. And being a family outcast by no means defines your worth and value as a person.
The Causes of Feeling an Outsider in a Family
Why do I feel out of place with the people that are supposed to be my loved ones? There are many reasons for people to be caught in a state of outsiderness. The most common and generic ones include:
- Family dynamics: Just like society is regulated by laws, many families have internal rules, habits, and traditions defining their dynamics. It can be influenced by such factors as personality, age, gender, culture, and beliefs. For example, it often happens that one kid is a distinct family fave and others may feel alone and abandoned in this case. Likewise, an individual that doesn’t accept or follow behavior and communication patterns habitual in the family might feel excluded;
- Differences in personalities and interests: Character traits are individual and define how people interact and communicate with others. Thus, a quiet and introverted person can feel like an alien in a group of extroverts. The same is true for personal interests. If everyone is fond of football, a member keen on dancing or acting instead will feel out of place;
- Family history and past events: Unresolved conflicts, past crises, and any critical situations strongly contribute to and aggravate the feeling of outsiderness for some family members. Traumatic or abusive behavior could lead to isolation and disconnection too. Besides, an adopted kid of a different race, ethnicity, or religion than the rest of the family might feel like a stranger or like they don’t fully belong;
- Personal choices and lifestyle: This aspect also strongly relates to family traditions and overall cultural background. Anyone who chooses a different approach, career path, political or religious belief, or sexual identity will feel like they don’t fit in with the rest of the family. Often, such members are treated negatively, criticized, and ostracised by other relatives.
If you’d ask a psychologist about what stands behind the feeling of outsiderness, professionals would say that most often, those are experiences of being excluded in childhood that might trigger psychological and emotional problems in adults.
Some children are different from other relatives both emotionally and physically. Others might remind a parent of an individual whom that parent disrespects, and they suffer from once unexpressed resentment now directed at them. Finally, some parents tend to blame their babies for their problems or missing opportunities.
All of the above situations and patterns make individuals feel rejected, excluded, and cast out.
How to Stop Feeling Like a Family Maverick?
The answer to this question depends on whether you want to eliminate the feeling of outsiderness and feel more complete as an independent person or you seek to feel more connected to your family.
To be more like you and get rid of feeling like an outcast, do the following:
- Analyze your emotional state: Sometimes, it might be rather a perception that you are an outcast. And the reality is a bit different. You might be too critical or demanding of yourself. It’s not necessarily that your family imposed any requirements or expectations but rather you forced yourself into thinking so. Hence, closely analyzing the roots is very important;
- Enhance your self-confidence: Feeling different from other members of your family doesn’t make you less worthy or less valuable. Raise your self-esteem and work to grow your self-confidence since the way we feel with others totally depends on us. Start small, and you’ll notice positive changes quite soon;
- Foster self-acceptance: To be comfy with others, you should be comfortable with yourself. You don’t have to match someone else’s principles even if these people are your relatives. You are unique, and you should learn to live in peace with yourself if you want others to accept you.
To regain and strengthen personal bonds that got weak for some reason, we have the following suggestions:
- Tell about your feelings: Your family members might simply not be aware of how you feel. Talk to them and communicate your feelings to enable them to take an effort and engage you in more joint activities and events;
- Try to spend more time with your family: You can’t get closer without mowing closer. Try to be with your relatives more often even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone;
- Find common interests: Shared interests and hobbies will ease communication and help be more connected to your family members;
- Be proactive: Don’t wait for your relatives to get in touch with you. Make the first step to reach out to them. Show your interest in building stronger and closer relationships.
To Sum Up
There is nothing wrong with being different from the rest of your family. Yet, feeling like an outsider can have a significant impact on the person’s psychological health and well-being. So, don’t neglect to contact a therapist to work through your emotions and find ways to cope with them.