How to Overcome Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family
One of the most common reasons many people believe they get into trouble is because they come from a dysfunctional family (DF), and they aren’t totally wrong. Our past experiences leave a deep trace in our behavioral patterns and shape our future decisions and actions in profound ways.
But are you 100% positive that the problems you’re experiencing are related to your family? Or maybe the roots are buried in some other areas of your life? In this article, we’ll answer the question of what a dysfunctional family is.
We will also provide tips on how to overcome the effects of growing up in a DF so you cope with stress and make better life decisions.
What Is a Dysfunctional Family?
While there’s no accurate definition of the term “dysfunctional family”, most people relate their experiences to the following feelings and emotions:
- Low self-esteem;
- Feeling isolated;
- Depression;
- High levels of anxiety;
- Feeling guilty for no reason;
- Lack of confidence;
- Feeling scared;
- Seeking approval;
- Criticizing yourself.
How Do You Know If Your Family Is Dysfunctional?
It’s worth noting that even if your life looks all gray, this doesn’t always indicate that you belong to a DF. Our environment affects our state of mind just as much as the people with whom we live under the same roof.
At the same time, if you’ve noticed that your mood only changes when you’re around your family, chances are high that your family is dysfunctional.
As a rule, dysfunctional families are characterized by conflicts and abuse. In some cases, conflicts can be deep, including sibling rivalries, domestic violence, alcoholism, and drug addiction, while some of them can be underlying and only felt by children through neglect and poor communication.
Of course, even the most harmonious families may occasionally fall out, so not all conflicts are the same. But if you feel that tension is always there, even when there seems to be no reason for it, this could very well be a sign that the family you grow up in is dysfunctional.
The question is, what do you do with it? In the media, they seem to be covering all sorts of issues other than DF, and it almost feels like people are making a mountain out of a molehill when they talk about their family experiences. However, this is a problem and, if it’s left unaddressed, it can pivot your whole life in the wrong direction.
How Does a Dysfunctional Family Affect Us as a Child?
Phycologists can almost instantly tell from what backgrounds children are simply looking at their behavior. Children that have been brought up in loving families are usually confident and aren’t afraid to speak their minds. They easily converse with other children, have high self-esteem, and, more often than not, excel at school.
Kids from dysfunctional families, on the other hand, look quite different. Since all they’ve been doing is trying to survive in their chaotic life, they are often quiet and keep their thoughts to themselves. What’s more, these children often question their talents, which prevents them from becoming successful even in areas that should not have been affected by their initial struggles.
The inner critic of these children is relentless. Many of them sincerely believe that it is their fault that their parents don’t treat them with love and care, and if they were better, kinder, smarter, and more beautiful, the list goes on, everything would be different.
A Set of Unspoken Rules Common for All Dysfunctional Families
Any family has their own rules and traditions. In normal families, parents encourage their children not to be afraid to talk about everything that worries them so they can help them make better decisions. In dysfunctional families, rules also exist, but unlike normal families, these rules have an abusive nature. Here are just some examples:
- Don’t reveal the family’s secrets;
- Don’t show your feelings;
- Don’t expose your vulnerability;
- Don’t trust anyone;
- Put other people’s needs and feelings before your own;
- Be friendly to those in power to achieve your goals;
- Keep your worries and problems to yourself;
- Learn to fit in even if the environment isn’t friendly or comfortable;
- Try to win the love of others by being successful.
By following these rules, children who grow up in a DF become wary of the environment and accept abuse as normal.
How to Deal With a Dysfunctional Family?
The good news is, you’re no longer a vulnerable child who can’t protect yourself. So, even though you might have had a hard time in childhood, you can take your future under control. Moreover, there are ways to manage the cycle of your family’s dysfunction and get your life back on track.
Look Back at Your Past Through the Prism of Adulthood
Now that you’re a grown-up, you can look back at your childhood and better understand whether the family you grew up in was dysfunctional or not. Don’t let the “I’m always guilty” approach interfere with your judgment. You can be honest with yourself, and if there was a dysfunction in your family, you can just acknowledge it.
Don’t Let the Past Define Your Future
What happened, happened, and there’s nothing you can do about it, so take it as it is. You could try to rebuild your relationships, but most likely than not, this would cost you lots of wasted time and effort and lead to nowhere, as people don’t seem to change.
The best way to go would be to let go of your past, especially since you’re no longer dependent on your family, and direct your energy on building your own future filled with events that positively affect your well-being.
Wipe off Painful Memories
It’s very common for people who were brought up in a DF to feel like nobody can understand what they have gone through, and they often live with this feeling for years, intoxicating their lives with hurt, denial, and anger. However, negative emotions do the most harm to those who experience them.
Don’t let them spoil your adult life. Your family may have been a nightmare, but you can certainly make your life better by leaving those memories in the past.
Create a New Version of Yourself
One of the physiological techniques that can be applied to a variety of situations, including those like yourself, is to define your own person. You don’t have to carry the burden of the past with you for the rest of your life. It’s enough to make a decision not to feel hurt anymore and live your life on your own terms to make a life-changing transformation.
Get Professional Help
If your family’s situation has been so traumatic that you can’t handle it on your own, you may want to seek professional help. There are many health specialists, including family therapists, counselors, psychologists, and physiatrists, who can work with you to create a safe and supportive environment.
Final Thoughts
Life can be quite challenging, and even successful people who come from loving families may struggle to overcome hurdles at times. However, for people who come from dysfunctional families, their whole life may feel like a constant battle.
If, after reading this article, you are definitely sure that your family wasn’t treating you nicely and that’s exactly what causes you so much trouble, you should know that you are not alone. Many people experience some sort of “dysfunctionality” in their childhood. The good news is, you don’t have to – and shouldn’t – carry it throughout the rest of your life.
Hopefully, our recommendations will help you overcome the consequences of growing up in a DF, and it won’t take long before you start living your new and happy life on your own terms, without the ghosts of the past.