Psychological Effects of Adultery
Having an affair is surely a private thing. Do people think about how it will affect their spouses, partners, and families when getting into an affair? Most often than not, they don’t.
Yet, even if they try to keep it secret, once they cross the line of infidelity, it starts impacting their relationships.
The truth is that adultery is destructive by nature and touches upon not only a cheated-on party but also a cheater. You might face serious consequences after a random bit on the side. Or you might be a cheated partner unable to cope with frustration and move past the shock of betrayal.
One more party involved is children. Caught in the middle of the parent’s conflict, they often get hurt the most, feeling confused and unable to change the situation. Let’s take a closer look at the psychological effects of adultery on partners, spouses, and kids and ways to dampen the negative impact.
Psychological Effects of Infidelity on a Couple
Adultery is one of the biggest challenges for a couple. It might be one of life’s hardest times, especially if an affair was held top secret and discovered accidentally. People understand that infidelity is not uncommon and admit that it could happen to anyone. That said, individual reactions are unpredictable in most cases.
It might be a shock, stress, and anger superseded by despair and depression. Or it might be superficial calmness and indifference hiding deep frustration. Whatever the reaction, a cheating partner effect is always traumatic.
How people experience emotional trauma depends on their personal resilience and the protective mechanisms they’ve developed during life. Yet, both a betrayed partner and a betrayer are affected.
Wrecking Effect on a Cheated-on Partner
Surely enough, a betrayed partner or spouse is the first to take the brunt of adultery. For most of us, it’s an upheaval that turns life upside down and pulls the carpet from under us. Those who have been betrayed face a hurricane of emotions that transform into the following psychological and mental effects.
1. Self-Blame
“What have I done wrong?” “ Did I miss something in our relationship?” “ It happened because of me and my shortcomings.” When someone experiences infidelity, they may feel like they are not good enough, did something wrong, or were not fulfilling their partner’s needs. These feelings can lead to self-blame, where the person takes on responsibility for the infidelity and blames themselves for what happened.
Self-blame can be a common response to infidelity, but it is important to recognize that it is not the fault of the person who was cheated on. Infidelity is a choice made by the betrayer, and it is their responsibility to take ownership of their actions and work to repair the relationship if that is what both parties desire.
2. Loss and Despair
Discovering that a partner was unfaithful to them, many people tend to have a feeling of deep loss. They feel angry, sad, and desperate about losing their relationship or marriage. Their habitual world breaks into pieces and will never be the same.
The truth is that adultery really changes relationships for good, no matter if you stay or go. It will change your whole vision of the world and relationships. This is one of the most profound psychological effects that people are usually unable to control.
That feeling is very common to what we might feel when someone we love dies or when we lose something very important and meaningful in our lives.
3. Anxiety and Depression
Anxiety is a common reaction to adultery. Individuals who have been cheated have feelings of uncertainty, worry, and fear about the future of the relationship and about their own self-worth. They may even have physical symptoms such as restlessness, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, and panic attacks.
A deep sense of sadness, hopelessness, and loss might trigger depression that significantly impacts daily life, making it difficult to function at work and in the family.
All of the above might be symptoms of the Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) many people develop after discovering their partner’s adultery.
4. Lack of Trust
When a partner engages in infidelity, the betrayed partner may have difficulty trusting people in the future, even if an affair has ended. They may question their partner’s motives, intentions, and actions. They may also feel a loss of trust in themselves, wondering if they missed any signs of infidelity or if they were somehow responsible for their partner’s behavior.
This lack of trust can also extend beyond the relationship, affecting the betrayed partner’s ability to trust others in general. They may become more guarded and suspicious in their interactions with others, making it difficult to form new relationships or maintain existing ones.
Undermining trust, the pain of adultery can make people avoid future relationships or trigger paranoia that everyone cheats.
5. Low Self-Confidence
Infidelity hurts. Some people may feel empowered to take control of their own lives and make positive changes in response to the betrayal. Meanwhile, others start self-chastising and thinking they could behave differently to prevent their partners from cheating.
When facing adultery, individuals may feel that they are not good enough or attractive enough to keep their partner’s attention. This can lead to self-doubt, insecurity, and a lack of confidence in one’s abilities and worth.
Furthermore, the lack of trust can transform into feelings of isolation, loneliness, and a sense of loss of connection with their partner. This, in turn, can exacerbate existing self-esteem issues triggering a downward spiral of negative thoughts and emotions.
Emotional Burden on a Cheater
Admittedly, adultery hits a betrayed partner the most. However, we should recognize that infidelity has complex effects. An unfaithful partner will also have to face the consequences of their actions, including emotional and psychological issues.
1. Guilt and Shame
Everyone has their own reasons for cheating. However, quite often, pleasure and excitement come with the feeling of guilt, especially if they betrayed a long-term partner.
If adultery is discovered, social shaming and judgment further enhance the guilt. This feeling brings stress and emotional chaos and hurts self-esteem.
2. Emotional Devastation
The feeling of guilt might press quite hard upon a cheater. The more so if a love affair is not what people expect it to be. Many find it very hard to be in relationships with two people at the same time.
The fear of being discovered and judged adds to the guilt. As a result, stress increases, leading to emotional exhaustion and seriously impacting mental well-being.
3. Loss of Trust
Adultery can damage the trust between the cheater and their partner, family, and friends. The cheater may find that they are no longer trusted or respected by those around them. At some point, they might feel alone and abandoned. Being pushed out of their family and friend circle, they no longer feel they belong to their habitual community.
4. Destroyed Self-Esteem
Strange though it might seem, an offending partner is exposed to anxiety, stress, and depression no less than a betrayed partner. They worry about the consequences of their actions, such as losing their partner and family or damaging their reputation.
Negative emotions build and blow their self-esteem. Some people tend to reproach themselves too much, feeling that they are bad or not worthy of love and respect anymore.
Psychological Effects of Adultery on Children
Adultery is devastating. It tests out relationships, and not all couples are capable of handling this challenge. They feel like getting stuck in the middle of a tornado and being unable to find the way out. Things might get even messier when they have children.
Drowning in their own intense emotions and blaming each other, spouses often forget about kids trapped in a family crisis caused by an extra-marital affair. However, the impact of infidelity on kids can be severe and have long-lasting effects.
Even if you don’t tell children what happened, they are extremely perceptive to parents’ behavior and emotional conditions and are exposed to negative consequences as a result.
The way children will pass through this depends on parents to a great extent. So, knowing the effects adultery has on children, you’ll know to help them.
Blaming Themselves
Most often than not, children cannot distance themselves from their parents. And they take personally everything that happens in the family. They might pretend to be grown-up and independent. In practice, though, they are still emotionally dependent on their parents.
If they notice that mom and dad are sad or unhappy, they tend to think that they must have done something wrong. This is especially true for smaller kids and teenagers.
Parentification
Children might take on adult responsibilities when parents get too involved in the conflict and sorting out their relationships. More than that, many kids feel like they need to support and comfort a grieving parent.
While it might seem like nothing special at a glance, it’s a too-heavy emotional burden for children to carry. Since it doesn’t help much, they feel worthless and insecure and can push themselves into guilt even more.
Feeling Abandoned
When parents are overwhelmed with negative emotions and struggle to handle the situation, habitual daily routines might be disrupted. And kids can feel unwanted and abandoned at this time. It doesn’t mean that parents love them less. Yet, they might pay less attention to children (even unintentionally).
Emotional Turmoil
Children are very sensitive, no matter their age. They easily “read” their parents’ emotions and get dragged into them. Thus, your anger, sadness, fear, and distress will project onto your children, making them feel anxious, insecure, uncertain, depressed, and hopeless to change anything.
Your emotional funnel sucks them in too, and they can’t get out on their own. This might lead to chronic stress or depression unless addressed professionally.
Misbehavior
Kids are reactive creatures. Intuitively, they seek to find vent for their emotions and comfort themselves. They may have poor hygiene, miss classes or sports, and act out at school to get their parents’ attention. More serious misbehavior includes self-injury, drug and alcohol addictions, and even criminal actions.
Long-Term Effects
Just like spouses’ relationships won’t be the same, children’s life will change after adultery too. Long-term effects might touch upon their sexual development and make them question their own identity.
Besides, children can potentially bring infidelity issues to their own future relationships. They might be paranoically suspicious about their partner’s faithfulness. Or they might cheat themselves.
How to Deal With the Infidelity Risks and Reduce the Injury
Adultery shatters the internal family balance and brings chaos to family relationships. The ways all family members handle the psychological effects of adultery depend on multiple factors. It’s about the emotional maturity and resilience of each partner, the overall family climate, relations with kids, and what spouses are going to do with their relationships.
A few steps you can take to minimize the negative impact of infidelity and reduce the pain include the following:
- After an incidence of adultery, everyone should take ownership of their actions and decisions. An offending partner should take responsibility for committing adultery and recognize its negative effects on the whole family. On the other hand, a betrayed partner should accept the truth and refrain from blaming themselves. This will help everyone make the first step toward a healing process and move on;
- Once adults accept the situation, they should talk to kids and let them know that it’s by no means their fault. Children should feel the support and love of their parents to be able to control the situation and maintain emotional stability;
- Spouses should give themselves time and the right to live through anger, fear, guilt, and despair, as well as to mourn over their loss and pain. This will help them overcome and tame negative emotions and set themselves to more positive things;
- Rebuilding trust takes time and effort from both partners. If a betrayed partner shows remorse and a couple decides to stay together, both partners should work to heal and recover. It’s especially worth taking a chance if you have children;
- Don’t let adultery effects become a permanent part of your lives. Do your best to find ways to bear it down and try to leave all the negative experiences behind to live happily and in balance;
- If you can’t cope with trauma on your own, seek professional help. Both individual and family therapies help handle extreme emotional reactions, repair relationships, and regain a sense of self-worth;
- The assistance of a qualified professional is a must if infidelity leads to divorce. In this case, children should get individual therapy to prevent depression and its long-term effects.
Final Thought
For most families and couples, adultery is a disaster. Immediate anger and fear aside, it might cause deep trauma and dramatic effects on all family members that will extend for years. To avoid devastation and ruined lives of both spouses and kids, it’s essential to seriously work to tackle the emotional challenges, reduce the infidelity damage, and get a chance for a positive future for all parties involved.